GETTING THE JOB -- tips for auditions

OK --

So this audition season, right?  It's always audition season really, but this is the audition audition season.  Maybe you're trying to get THE GIG at the Met (coat check at the museum or triangle guy at opera), or maybe you're trying to get into your FIRST CHOICE school, or even your BACKUP school (first choice OBERLIN or FLORIDA STATE [FOOTBALL!!!!], backup THE GUILFORD SCHOOL or EAST HAMPTON COMMUNITY COLLEGE [get away from your folks in the Hamptons - they don't want you there and you don't want to be there...talk to someone about transferring to Nassau ASAP])

Here are some helpful tips:

1) Avoid auditions.  Any time you have to spend a bunch of $$ and stress out for playing for a bunch of jerks so they can evaluate your talents and personality - well, that's probably not a great use of time, is it?

2) So you have to audition because your sister just got a fancy scholarship a couple years ago to a fancy school and she's probably going to be a lawyer and all you're glad Blockbuster is no longer a thing because you'd owe a ton of money in overdue fines on LEGALY BLONDE III, YOUR LIFE STORY FROM UNDER THE BASS DRUM.

3) Watch Rob Knopper's videos or whatever he's selling - BUY IT -- seriously, if he has some sort of data plan with Verizon GET ON IT - you NEED this.  In the words of the great Antoni Mascaroli "you got this."  But you only got this if you buy the plan.  GO!  NOW.

4) Does Rob Knopper make pants?  If he does.  BUY THEM.  WEAR THEM.  Don't wear them in the audition.  Just wear them...you know, in general, play it cool.  See if you can get a dog walking gig and wear other pants while you're walking the dogs, but after you take a shower put on the pants and practice tambourine very quietly.

5)  Ask yourself:  WHY AM STILL READING THIS?  If you can't stop reading it but have no idea why you're reading it, maybe consider canceling the audition.  You clearly have no self control or any idea who you are or what you're doing on this planet.  At some point you saw Terry Bozzio play a lot of drums, thought it was cool, and your parents had no idea what to do with you, so you've spent like $57 on bee's wax in the last two months (editor's note: too many tambourine references in this post), ...you justify this by being the guy who's really into bass drum beaters, triangles, and practicing ppppppp (quiet) cymbal crashes.  Fine.

6) For people taking college auditions: Consider a liberal arts degree.

7) If you're interested in playing in the MET - I ask you this:  Is a part of the audition sitting still for hours on end and doing nothing or reading the Times (Real Estate, Finance, whatever), because I personally can't do this and I should not be allowed to even submit a resume.  Fortunately the folks at my neighborhood post office don't let me do this and I can barely work my electronic mail.  Seriously though, have you ever hung out with a opera singer?  They sing melodies that will get stuck in your head for YEARS - do you want that?  Maybe ask Scott Stevens.  It's just money.  You can do something else.  Even though you're not supposed to take tips at the coat check people will try to slide you a dollar or two and you can go out and get a hot dog from the nice man in front of the museum.  You can eat the hot dog quickly and do a knockoff production of A NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM with your iPhone flashlight in the basement.

8) Odds are someone else is going to drag or rush so just tell people your time is perfect (your a percussionist, they'll believe it), and stop it with the metronome apps.

I think 8 is enough for now, don't you?

COMMENT BELOW (can you do that on this website?) - I will field comments and questions and follow up in the next edition of #HOWTOGETTHEBIGJOBSTOPREADINGBLOGSANDGOINTERVIEWSOMEPLACE